chartharsis: (► my giant blue head)
Work is eating my life again, and on top of it all, when I do have a few free minutes there, for the last month or so, the data connection on my cell phone has been crap. So that means no picking at my character bios on Evernote, no encouraging writerly bonding on Twitter, and no checking in with my old RP friends on Plurk. ... Basically, I haven't had much online presence at all, and it's giving me a strange sort of cabin fever (ahh).

In the good news column, I DID manage to win July's session of Camp NaNoWriMo, and am actually thinking of participating again in November - gasp! I made a few really great writing friends there, and hopefully I can talk a few into joining my friend [personal profile] patchworked's new writing community. The more the merrier!

I want to say more and ramble about EVERYTHING, including dumping my feelings about a little state called Florida, and all the creative stuff I am trying to carve out the time to do, but ... work preparation calls. Sigh. Just trying to make myself get back in the habit of doing this again, and letting people know I'm still alive over here ...
chartharsis: (Default)
Not much to report on the dream front, though I had a cast of characters played by a LOT of neat people: Christopher Meloni, Fairuza Balk, Chris Eccleston, and Alyson Hannigan ... and there were zombies and vampires and fields and abandoned houses, and it was all horror-meets-sitcom. So, nothing really self-helpish in there. Just ... neat stuff that I sadly don't remember much of after having been up.

I may try to pull some of it back forward from the depths of my brain, though, because having more characters is always a good thing.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get a new daily routine going in the mornings, so I have more time to take care of myself before work drains my brain. I had a hiccup this morning because I couldn't find my Tai Chi DVD, but otherwise, so far so good.
chartharsis: (► my ppl who don't like DW gun)
See that icon?

That icon is my entire problem, right now, and at the same time, it is the best thing ever.

Because if you're new here: hi, my name is Ang and I am a Darkwing Duck fan. Not a fangirl, a fan (there is a rant about the difference which I will get to another day). This is the show that formed a lot of my sense of humor, tastes, et cetera: it's one of those childhood loves I will always come back around to, the one I have more feelings about than I probably should, that I've sunk more hours into watching, doodling from, and, yes, once upon a time, even writing hundreds of pages of crap fanfiction about. It's actually how I cut my writing teeth, and the first two characters in my current original world started out as side villains in said crap fanfiction, until I realized I liked them too much to leave them there once I started feeling confident enough to write my own things.

But I digress. Darkwing is the ONE character I would still even consider writing for online role-playing, because I love him so much, and because his voice is just so embedded in my mind and strung across my memories. I only ever played him once, and it didn't last because the game setting didn't fit: he was a duck amid way too many humans, and a little too silly for a setting that was getting more serious than it used to be.

So, of course, it figures that when I said, hoping the third time would be the charm, "Nope, I'm done with online RP" ... the perfect game setting appears. A brand new game, with players I don't know from Eve, and an activity level that might just be manageable.

I'm not even going to stress about it, not in the least. I'm not going to worry about what former gamemates will think of me dropping and then picking up just a few months after quitting, I'm not going to try to enable anyone else to come and play with me, or advertise the game... in fact, if Plurk weren't the mods' preferred method of communication, I wouldn't mention it there at all. Because this isn't about me saying "oh my gosh you guys look at this thing I wrote" anymore... and I have to admit, what made me quit RP was the constant stream of "look at my threads" that I'd get from people, when I didn't have the time to do as much, myself.

This is about me setting aside a little time when I can to hang out in my mind with a character I love, have some fun, and generally just crack myself up. I need a little of that in my life, and I don't need to have A Designated RP Partner or Group Of Players around me to do it. If it turns out I don't have the time, I'll bow out gracefully. But this is an opportunity that I have, and an exercise in being able to say to myself "You see that opportunity? That's a thing you want. Don't deny yourself just because you think other people won't approve".

So I'm doing it. It'll take me a while to write the application and actually do it properly, and my tags will probably be slow, and I will probably be a little overwhelmed by all the new names, but ... who knows? It might be a blast.

On the flip side, juggling work, home, and taking care of myself along with trying to give equal hobby time to art, writing, RP and pixelated dragon breeding might be stretching myself dangerously thin.

But for now? Let's get dangerous.
chartharsis: (► my giant blue head)
I swear, I am usually not up this early, but I am the lucky I.T tech on call this weekend. Basically, what that amounts to is that I drag my butt out of bed a few hours earlier than I normally would to stare blearily at a loaner laptop while it boots up, fight with encrypted passwords and remote login for half an hour, check five automated email alerts to make sure nothing is broken, and then go back to bed until someone calls me with a problem.

Usually, this means that while I am sleeping, I miss some other kind of message none of my co-workers warned me about that I should have telepathically known about and been awake for at 4 AM, and there is a lot of "well where were you?" that I can't say "uh, asleep like a normal human being" to. Because everyone else on my team is superhuman and awake at strange hours like that. Sorry, you guys, I require sleep.

Anyway, miraculously, nothing has gone wrong yet this morning as far as I know, and I am waiting to log in to said loaner laptop. It is booting, and Bella the cat is treating it with as much love, nosiness, and affection as the other two laptops that usually live here. I am glad it is, at least, enjoying some hospitality while it gets its slow ass in gear.

Normally I'd be anxious as hell about how slow it is, because I tend to worry a lot when I'm on call. I worry that things will break, that I will do something wrong, that I will blink, miss something, and the Weeping Angels of Information Technology will creep up on me and fling me into that far-off, sudden limbo of the land of You Fucked Up, Now You Are Fired. It is a completely irrational anxiety, but I have an awful lot of those.

An. Awful. Lot.

So I breathe, and I remind myself that I've been doing this for three years now, there is always something I don't recognize or have issues with, and I am still employed and they are still giving me this occasional task and paying me a little sorely-needed extra money for it once a month or so. Someday, maybe someday, I will stop being a ball of nerves about being on call. Until then, I fake the confidence while I'm at work, and then I flip out the minute my alarm goes off and feel like there needs to be a mad dash to the loaner laptop to make sure All Is Well and Nothing Is Broken.

But while I wait for it to boot up (a waiting period known as The Next Ice Age), I'm going to try and remember my dream.

I don't remember much of it, now that I'm awake, have stood up, put on a bathrobe, half-listened to Laurel tell me her dream (sorry, honey, but I have never fully digested anything said to me within thirty minutes of forcibly having to wake up), and fought with three sets of passwords. But I know at one point I was driving in Connecticut, trying to get to my family, and I ended up out in East Bejeezus Nowhere, somewhere misty and marshy and desolate with a lot of very unstable bridges connecting the few patches of solid land. I dragged an atlas book out of the glove box (how it fit in there, I have no clue), and looked it up, because somehow there were road signs in the marshy middle of nowhere. Eventually, miraculously, the road I was on merged with some bus or rail line I could take to get where I was going ... but the line was marked "Does Not Run In Fair Weather". So I still had to try and drive, and it was a very convoluted path back to where I needed to be, to get where I was going, and the map started to get hard to read, and I started to panic.

The other thing I remember clearly is making it to a truck stop (I blame watching X-Men for this, because of Various Reasons cough cough looking at you Logan cough), and telling people I was having a very hard time getting where I was going, and was upset that the line was running, and did not want to drive all that way, and didn't anyone know a shortcut, pretty please? Also, was there any dessert? Because if you are at a truck stop, you need dessert. And all the grungy local hick-type people just rolled their eyes at me and gave off a general air of "You know nothing, get back in your car, suck it up, and keep driving, you pathetic outsider".

I don't think it takes too much of an analyst to figure out what's going on, here. I have a lot of crap I'm trying to work through - a lot of anxiety, self-esteem, and learned reactions to things that I'm trying to break. And I want them all gone now. But just because I want them gone doesn't mean they're going away Right Now, and it bothers me, because I've had them longer than I should have, and they got in the way of my doing things, being things I feel like I should have been for years.

But I've got to get back in my car, suck it up, and keep driving. Only difference is, I can't let myself forget that I'm not actually driving alone.

... now, if I can just convince the Bellacat that the loaner is not, in fact, a pillow, maybe I will cross one more little rickety swamp bridge today, finish checking my notifications, and go back to sleep for a bit.

September 2014

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