chartharsis: (► my giant blue head)
[personal profile] chartharsis
I swear, I am usually not up this early, but I am the lucky I.T tech on call this weekend. Basically, what that amounts to is that I drag my butt out of bed a few hours earlier than I normally would to stare blearily at a loaner laptop while it boots up, fight with encrypted passwords and remote login for half an hour, check five automated email alerts to make sure nothing is broken, and then go back to bed until someone calls me with a problem.

Usually, this means that while I am sleeping, I miss some other kind of message none of my co-workers warned me about that I should have telepathically known about and been awake for at 4 AM, and there is a lot of "well where were you?" that I can't say "uh, asleep like a normal human being" to. Because everyone else on my team is superhuman and awake at strange hours like that. Sorry, you guys, I require sleep.

Anyway, miraculously, nothing has gone wrong yet this morning as far as I know, and I am waiting to log in to said loaner laptop. It is booting, and Bella the cat is treating it with as much love, nosiness, and affection as the other two laptops that usually live here. I am glad it is, at least, enjoying some hospitality while it gets its slow ass in gear.

Normally I'd be anxious as hell about how slow it is, because I tend to worry a lot when I'm on call. I worry that things will break, that I will do something wrong, that I will blink, miss something, and the Weeping Angels of Information Technology will creep up on me and fling me into that far-off, sudden limbo of the land of You Fucked Up, Now You Are Fired. It is a completely irrational anxiety, but I have an awful lot of those.

An. Awful. Lot.

So I breathe, and I remind myself that I've been doing this for three years now, there is always something I don't recognize or have issues with, and I am still employed and they are still giving me this occasional task and paying me a little sorely-needed extra money for it once a month or so. Someday, maybe someday, I will stop being a ball of nerves about being on call. Until then, I fake the confidence while I'm at work, and then I flip out the minute my alarm goes off and feel like there needs to be a mad dash to the loaner laptop to make sure All Is Well and Nothing Is Broken.

But while I wait for it to boot up (a waiting period known as The Next Ice Age), I'm going to try and remember my dream.

I don't remember much of it, now that I'm awake, have stood up, put on a bathrobe, half-listened to Laurel tell me her dream (sorry, honey, but I have never fully digested anything said to me within thirty minutes of forcibly having to wake up), and fought with three sets of passwords. But I know at one point I was driving in Connecticut, trying to get to my family, and I ended up out in East Bejeezus Nowhere, somewhere misty and marshy and desolate with a lot of very unstable bridges connecting the few patches of solid land. I dragged an atlas book out of the glove box (how it fit in there, I have no clue), and looked it up, because somehow there were road signs in the marshy middle of nowhere. Eventually, miraculously, the road I was on merged with some bus or rail line I could take to get where I was going ... but the line was marked "Does Not Run In Fair Weather". So I still had to try and drive, and it was a very convoluted path back to where I needed to be, to get where I was going, and the map started to get hard to read, and I started to panic.

The other thing I remember clearly is making it to a truck stop (I blame watching X-Men for this, because of Various Reasons cough cough looking at you Logan cough), and telling people I was having a very hard time getting where I was going, and was upset that the line was running, and did not want to drive all that way, and didn't anyone know a shortcut, pretty please? Also, was there any dessert? Because if you are at a truck stop, you need dessert. And all the grungy local hick-type people just rolled their eyes at me and gave off a general air of "You know nothing, get back in your car, suck it up, and keep driving, you pathetic outsider".

I don't think it takes too much of an analyst to figure out what's going on, here. I have a lot of crap I'm trying to work through - a lot of anxiety, self-esteem, and learned reactions to things that I'm trying to break. And I want them all gone now. But just because I want them gone doesn't mean they're going away Right Now, and it bothers me, because I've had them longer than I should have, and they got in the way of my doing things, being things I feel like I should have been for years.

But I've got to get back in my car, suck it up, and keep driving. Only difference is, I can't let myself forget that I'm not actually driving alone.

... now, if I can just convince the Bellacat that the loaner is not, in fact, a pillow, maybe I will cross one more little rickety swamp bridge today, finish checking my notifications, and go back to sleep for a bit.
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